I was at Target trying on shorts. I'm going to MA in visit family in two weeks so I wanted some new shorts, simple as that. The size 13 was too snug, though they fit. I kept telling myself that if I sat in them or moved around some then they'd loosen up. Then I turned around. My back facing the mirror, I turned my head to see what the shorts looked like from behind. I had to fight back the tears. All I could focus on were my veins and the lumps in my thighs. Of course I realized that my cellulite isn't as bad as I envision it to be. I see myself through distorted eyes. But... it's still there and noticeable and that my loves, is a problem.
About my veins- I have varicose veins. It is a condition that I've had since I was in my late teens. I am going to write more about it later as it deserves more attention than just a single paragraph, but I do feel the need to mention it now as it concerns the overall purpose of my mission- health.
I want to be comfortable again, with both my legs and my weight. I feel heavy. I feel like walking is really just my body dragging itself along because it's too heavy to really walk effortlessly. Again, I realize it really isn't like that. This blog is about how I feel, though, and I feel like a big ole heavy solid.
At Target I took a picture of myself in the mirror as a means to help motivate myself. Looking at (obsessing over) the picture later I decided that today would be the day I got to action. And today I did. I did the first day of the Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred dvd. I regulated how much I ate. The boyfriend and myself took our dog to an empty baseball field and we threw the ball, ran around... just had good, healthy, active fun for an hour. Right now, as I type this, my legs are tingling from all their frequent action. What I did today is more than I've done in a long, long time. I realize that this first week is going to be hell. I guess it's a good thing I've got a good tolerance (and a little bit of a love and thrill) for pain. It's like I've tasted blood and now I want more. This is going to be fun :)
And now I am going to do something that I feel as though I shouldn't, but that I know I must. Below is the picture I took in Target. It shows my veins condition pretty well, but my other flaws, as well. I can not look at it without disgust. It makes me want to cry. BUT I need to see it. I need to know and be faced with what I've done to myself, to my health... and I need it to motivate me to continue to change. My legs are one of my biggest insecurities. I intend to change that. I want legs I can flaunt, not legs I constantly feel I need to hide.
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