Saturday, January 14, 2012

Ew.

I feel disgusting. I've really dripped the ball. It's the worst downward spiral one could be one. I keep talking about being better, getting better.. and yet I just can't stop. Something has to be done. Quick. Otherwise I am afraid I will cause damage that cannot be reversed.

On that optimistic note, bed. More in the morning.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

A Rush

I have never been more motivated or ready than I am right now, in this moment, to get up and change. To start running, to start working towards bettering myself... and yet, I can't. I am not allowed to do anything other than walk (in terms of exercise) for another 4 days.

Figures.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

TMI

I hate being menstrual. All I want to do is eat and sleep. The eating gets pretty harsh, too. All I want is salty, sweet, salty, sweet.... And on and on and on. It's terrible. Today I sat on my couch and ate a handful of popcorn, then a handful of almond m+m's while watching a Project Runway marathon. It's sad really. This is the third day I have put off massive mounds of grading. For popcorn, m+m's, and Project Runway.

I have no regrets.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Hello, Old Friend

I know I've neglected you and for that I am sorry. Truly. As most absences go, I have a reason/excuse. Work got totally crazy and overtook not only my life, but my entire existence.

If you've read the other blog then you know I recently had a procedure done on my left leg that doesn't allow me to be very active. However, because of the procedure and my condition... when I'm all healed up I have to be active. I plan on taking up running (God help me) and getting back to my dvds, etc.

I just really need to refocus on myself and my health. At the end of the day it will just be me and I'd like to be in a condition that will allow me to live to the absolute highest quality of life. So, as soon as my legs are done, there I go. Diet and everything is going to get a reboot, as well.

What I need to consider now is what my short and long term goals are going to be. I am really not worried about whether or not this will happen because, honestly, I know it will. This condition and the determination I feel as going to seriously drive me. There are other motivating factors that are coming into play, too. More about those on a later date.

I intend to update this blog in regards to all things health and fitness. Everything else will be handled on my other blog. I think keeping the two things separate will help me stay focused and concentrated.

I know I've said this before, but I mean it this go around.... Let's do this.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Dropping the Ball

Well, long time no see.

I haven't updated this blog in over a month. No excuses will be given. Honestly, I just didn't think about it at all. I came home from MA and then a week and a half later I went back up to MA for another week. Then I came home and spent some time with the boy in Charlotte because he was there for work. He is now in DC for work and I am just a handful of days away from the start of yet another school year. Seems as though I have no choice but to get my ass in gear now.

That being said, I've been a very, very bad girl. I don't even want to think about or try to process that damage I've done. So, it's just all about getting back on track, doing damage control, and refocusing... I'm not going to beat myself up for these mistakes. I'm human, I indulged. It's done and over. Now I have to pick up the 234209735237 pound pieces and start fresh.

So, let's do this.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Icky

At the end of my first full day in MA/NH I am glad to report that I have yet to buckle to all the deliciousness that has surrounded me. When my cousin took my to their local grocery store to get food for the week I spent $40 to ensure that I wouldn't be put into a position where I had to eat something that went outside of my limits. So far I have adhered to it all pretty well. Though I will say that starting my monthly today has certainly made it harder to resist certain comfort foods and other cravings. I love both salty and sweet when I have my monthly visitor, so it can be hard not to fall into that trap. I've appeased the cravings with trail mix and apple chips.

I am bloated, though, and I don't think I am taking in enough water. I just feel really heavy and gross. It is frustrating to know that I'm making the right choices and it paying off (or feeling like it's starting to) and then suddenly feeling like crap all over again. It is disheartening, but I refuse to let it set me back. I'm going to give it my all to stand firm and not let myself get too down and out over this temporary set back and crappy feeling. I am also going to make it a point to take in a lot more water while here.

That's all I've got for now. Salem and Boston tomorrow!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Well Damn

And I was doing so well...

I totally buckled today. I have a fried chicken sandwich and hot chips for lunch and then a massive Mexican feed for dinner. Dinner included 64 ounces of delicious margarita... so please excuse any typos.

I am slightly disappointed in myself. Since I am leaving for Ma tomorrow I really wanted to leave on the right foot, but I guess not. I totally pigged out today. But I am not going to beat myself up over it because, well, there is no point. I am human and sometimes it just happens. I will be better though, and that is my word.

I am nervous about what the trip to MA is going to do to my food intake. I plan to blog frequently...

That's all I've got for now. I've got to finish packing and updating the ipod. More soon.

xo.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Resentment

I did as I said I would and only ate 2 cookies. I then wrapped them up and carried about my business, satisfied and guilt free. This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying my coffee and a bowl of cereal when the boyfriend creeps into the kitchen and attempts to quietly retrieve a cookie. He takes a bite and then looks at me. When he is done with his bite he, quite seriously, looks at me and says:

"You did this to me."

And then left the room. Well then.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Comfort

People tend to find comfort in everything. Some eek comfort in others, in places, in food, in behaviors... Me? I'm a mixture of all those things, I suppose. There are very specific things, places, people and foods that I run to when I need to feel safe.

Things- On the day that actor John Ritter died I went to the store and there happened to be stuffed Clifford the Big Red Dogs. Lots of people don't know that Ritter actually voiced Clifford in the animated shows and movies. I thought it would be sweet to get one of those stuffed Cliffords. I guess it was my way of paying tribute to an actor that I remembered very fondly from my childhood (mom and I watched Three's Company reruns all the time). So, I got one. I paid less than $10. And here we are now. I'm 27 years old and I can't sleep without Clifford in the bed with me. He travels with me and I often have to fuss at the pup for attempting to suckle on him (Boston Terriers love to suckle on blankets and toys). The boyfriend has accepted that it is Clifford I will spoon with in my sleep. And I honestly do not know what it is about Clifford. He just brings me this crazy sense of security that no other object is capable or has ever been capable of bringing me. I love that stuffed dog as if he were a real dog... and if you know me you know that I love few things more than I love dogs. Another thing that brings me comfort? Night time thunderstorms at night.

Places- My uncle and my father own adjacent campgrounds in the mountains of New Hampshire. The camps have tasteful permanent trailers that I've stayed in Lord knows how many times throughout my childhood. Behind the camps there is this creek. It babbles and flows with such perfect pace and tone. And, if you walk to the left about 25 feet, there is this massive rock that borders the creek. Because of the rock's size it created a small waterfall and it is just the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (or at least one of them). I haven't been since I was in the 8th grade. That's about to change, though. My cousin has agreed, quite enthusiastically, to take me to the camp when I visit her next week. I am very excited for this adventure. I am going to sit on that rock and just listen to that creek. Granted, the rock most certainly isn't going to be as "massive" to me now, but I truly hope that the places has retained the majestic qualities I remember it having as a child.

People- The boy, firstly. My boyfriend is the safest place I know. He just knows and sometimes that's all I need. I have a handful of friends that comfort me a great deal as well. You know, that friends I actually want to be around when I am in a rough spot. Mom for her hugs, Dad for his honesty and stories. My brother for his ability to make me laugh through the tears. My safety nets.

Food- As I've been typing this there has been a batch of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies baking in my oven. Forget that it's 1145pm and that I'm on a diet. It has been a rough, emotional (also premenstrual) day. All I've been thinking about for the past two hours are those cookies. I'll eat one, maybe two, and then be done. Other foods/consumables that comfort me: COFFEE, fried food, cheese, sweets, sweet tea... Lots of things. Typically when I'm down and out a specific craving will hit me and it's all I will want until I brighten up. Right now it's white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.

So, what's got me so down? I don't know. That's a lie. I know specifically every last thing that is getting to me right now. If I were to try and list and explain all of them then I would be here all night. I will leave it as this- Life is very lifelike right now... and it is doing exactly what life always does- kicking my ass.

As for the diet and whatnot, I have not officially worked out in a couple of days. However, I have been very mindful of what I'm eating and of how much I am eating. I've been taking in a lot of water and I've been only eating when I'm hungry. I can tell you that I do feel better, of the most part. I have slipped up and enjoyed a small amount of fried food and I am having these cookies tonight. Otherwise, I have been very good and I can tell my body thanks me for it. I feel lighter, my skin is clearer *knocks on wood* and I feel like I can do more. If this is how good I feel with the little I've done thus far then I can't wait to see what's to come.

Now, off to enjoy my cookie... or cookies.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Off Topic- What I'm Reading

What I am currently reading:


- I am only 4 chapters (87 pages) in and I am having a difficult time getting through it. It isn't because of the content. I love this kind of stuff. Taking a seriously in depth look into the functions and history of cadavers is fascinating. Roach is funny and charming without being disrespectful or in bad taste. However, I'm bored. I don't know if it's just that I'm tired of reading. I mean, let's be honest. I teach literature. As soon as the school year was done I plowed through the entire Harry Potter series to gear up for the final film (I can't believe it's so close to being over. I can't handle it... But that's another topic all together). I think I just might be... tired of reading. Never thought I'd see the day, honestly. Either way, the goal is to get through it before I leave for Ma in a week. Shouldn't really be an issue...

What I plan on reading next:

I am SO excited to begin reading this book. I am a big fan of Jillian Michaels. I love her workout dvds and her general no bullshit approach to making positive changes in in one's life. This isa self help/motivational book. Certainly not my type of reading on a regular basis. However, I like her a lot. I picked the book up in Target and read the back cover. It gives this awesome antidote about an elephant that's been chained its whole life. When it was a baby it couldn't break the chains because it wasn't strong enough. Now it is older and stronger and the chain is rusted and fragile. However, it doesn't realize that it can break the chain now because as a baby it was conditioned to believe it would never be strong enough. All of that being said, Jillian quickly follows it up with: "You're the elephant, buddy." I LOVED that she said buddy and I just really dig her tone. I think I'll be able to zoom through this book in no time. I think it's going to be my pane book, honestly. I just know that I am really excited and intrigued to see what it is all about and whether or not any of it can be applied to my own life.