Icky

At the end of my first full day in MA/NH I am glad to report that I have yet to buckle to all the deliciousness that has surrounded me. When my cousin took my to their local grocery store to get food for the week I spent $40 to ensure that I wouldn't be put into a position where I had to eat something that went outside of my limits. So far I have adhered to it all pretty well. Though I will say that starting my monthly today has certainly made it harder to resist certain comfort foods and other cravings. I love both salty and sweet when I have my monthly visitor, so it can be hard not to fall into that trap. I've appeased the cravings with trail mix and apple chips.

I am bloated, though, and I don't think I am taking in enough water. I just feel really heavy and gross. It is frustrating to know that I'm making the right choices and it paying off (or feeling like it's starting to) and then suddenly feeling like crap all over again. It is disheartening, but I refuse to let it set me back. I'm going to give it my all to stand firm and not let myself get too down and out over this temporary set back and crappy feeling. I am also going to make it a point to take in a lot more water while here.

That's all I've got for now. Salem and Boston tomorrow!

Well Damn

And I was doing so well...

I totally buckled today. I have a fried chicken sandwich and hot chips for lunch and then a massive Mexican feed for dinner. Dinner included 64 ounces of delicious margarita... so please excuse any typos.

I am slightly disappointed in myself. Since I am leaving for Ma tomorrow I really wanted to leave on the right foot, but I guess not. I totally pigged out today. But I am not going to beat myself up over it because, well, there is no point. I am human and sometimes it just happens. I will be better though, and that is my word.

I am nervous about what the trip to MA is going to do to my food intake. I plan to blog frequently...

That's all I've got for now. I've got to finish packing and updating the ipod. More soon.

xo.

Resentment

I did as I said I would and only ate 2 cookies. I then wrapped them up and carried about my business, satisfied and guilt free. This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying my coffee and a bowl of cereal when the boyfriend creeps into the kitchen and attempts to quietly retrieve a cookie. He takes a bite and then looks at me. When he is done with his bite he, quite seriously, looks at me and says:

"You did this to me."

And then left the room. Well then.

Comfort

People tend to find comfort in everything. Some eek comfort in others, in places, in food, in behaviors... Me? I'm a mixture of all those things, I suppose. There are very specific things, places, people and foods that I run to when I need to feel safe.

Things- On the day that actor John Ritter died I went to the store and there happened to be stuffed Clifford the Big Red Dogs. Lots of people don't know that Ritter actually voiced Clifford in the animated shows and movies. I thought it would be sweet to get one of those stuffed Cliffords. I guess it was my way of paying tribute to an actor that I remembered very fondly from my childhood (mom and I watched Three's Company reruns all the time). So, I got one. I paid less than $10. And here we are now. I'm 27 years old and I can't sleep without Clifford in the bed with me. He travels with me and I often have to fuss at the pup for attempting to suckle on him (Boston Terriers love to suckle on blankets and toys). The boyfriend has accepted that it is Clifford I will spoon with in my sleep. And I honestly do not know what it is about Clifford. He just brings me this crazy sense of security that no other object is capable or has ever been capable of bringing me. I love that stuffed dog as if he were a real dog... and if you know me you know that I love few things more than I love dogs. Another thing that brings me comfort? Night time thunderstorms at night.

Places- My uncle and my father own adjacent campgrounds in the mountains of New Hampshire. The camps have tasteful permanent trailers that I've stayed in Lord knows how many times throughout my childhood. Behind the camps there is this creek. It babbles and flows with such perfect pace and tone. And, if you walk to the left about 25 feet, there is this massive rock that borders the creek. Because of the rock's size it created a small waterfall and it is just the most beautiful thing I've ever seen (or at least one of them). I haven't been since I was in the 8th grade. That's about to change, though. My cousin has agreed, quite enthusiastically, to take me to the camp when I visit her next week. I am very excited for this adventure. I am going to sit on that rock and just listen to that creek. Granted, the rock most certainly isn't going to be as "massive" to me now, but I truly hope that the places has retained the majestic qualities I remember it having as a child.

People- The boy, firstly. My boyfriend is the safest place I know. He just knows and sometimes that's all I need. I have a handful of friends that comfort me a great deal as well. You know, that friends I actually want to be around when I am in a rough spot. Mom for her hugs, Dad for his honesty and stories. My brother for his ability to make me laugh through the tears. My safety nets.

Food- As I've been typing this there has been a batch of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies baking in my oven. Forget that it's 1145pm and that I'm on a diet. It has been a rough, emotional (also premenstrual) day. All I've been thinking about for the past two hours are those cookies. I'll eat one, maybe two, and then be done. Other foods/consumables that comfort me: COFFEE, fried food, cheese, sweets, sweet tea... Lots of things. Typically when I'm down and out a specific craving will hit me and it's all I will want until I brighten up. Right now it's white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.

So, what's got me so down? I don't know. That's a lie. I know specifically every last thing that is getting to me right now. If I were to try and list and explain all of them then I would be here all night. I will leave it as this- Life is very lifelike right now... and it is doing exactly what life always does- kicking my ass.

As for the diet and whatnot, I have not officially worked out in a couple of days. However, I have been very mindful of what I'm eating and of how much I am eating. I've been taking in a lot of water and I've been only eating when I'm hungry. I can tell you that I do feel better, of the most part. I have slipped up and enjoyed a small amount of fried food and I am having these cookies tonight. Otherwise, I have been very good and I can tell my body thanks me for it. I feel lighter, my skin is clearer *knocks on wood* and I feel like I can do more. If this is how good I feel with the little I've done thus far then I can't wait to see what's to come.

Now, off to enjoy my cookie... or cookies.

Off Topic- What I'm Reading

What I am currently reading:


- I am only 4 chapters (87 pages) in and I am having a difficult time getting through it. It isn't because of the content. I love this kind of stuff. Taking a seriously in depth look into the functions and history of cadavers is fascinating. Roach is funny and charming without being disrespectful or in bad taste. However, I'm bored. I don't know if it's just that I'm tired of reading. I mean, let's be honest. I teach literature. As soon as the school year was done I plowed through the entire Harry Potter series to gear up for the final film (I can't believe it's so close to being over. I can't handle it... But that's another topic all together). I think I just might be... tired of reading. Never thought I'd see the day, honestly. Either way, the goal is to get through it before I leave for Ma in a week. Shouldn't really be an issue...

What I plan on reading next:

I am SO excited to begin reading this book. I am a big fan of Jillian Michaels. I love her workout dvds and her general no bullshit approach to making positive changes in in one's life. This isa self help/motivational book. Certainly not my type of reading on a regular basis. However, I like her a lot. I picked the book up in Target and read the back cover. It gives this awesome antidote about an elephant that's been chained its whole life. When it was a baby it couldn't break the chains because it wasn't strong enough. Now it is older and stronger and the chain is rusted and fragile. However, it doesn't realize that it can break the chain now because as a baby it was conditioned to believe it would never be strong enough. All of that being said, Jillian quickly follows it up with: "You're the elephant, buddy." I LOVED that she said buddy and I just really dig her tone. I think I'll be able to zoom through this book in no time. I think it's going to be my pane book, honestly. I just know that I am really excited and intrigued to see what it is all about and whether or not any of it can be applied to my own life.

Temptation

The good news is that the pain in my legs is basically gone. There is still a level of soreness, but it is tolerable.

The bad news, if you could even call it that, is that the Shred dvds have not been done in the last 2 days. The holiday weekend pretty much killed any chance at doing it. We spent a great deal of time at the boyfriend's parent's house. That household is PACKED with delicious food! The bf's dad is an amazing cook. We're talking BBQ feather bone ribs, jerk chicken, chocolate cherry cake, brownies, pasta salad, potato salad... and it goes on. And that was just one meal! We had dinner there twice this weekend and had breakfast there this morning (we typically do not spend this kind of time at their home. The boyfriend's aunt and cousin were in town and therefore we were mindful to spend lots of time there this weekend). I am quite proud of myself because I managed to do really well in terms of eating. Usually when I'm over there I just totally pig out. I displayed a great deal of self control this weekend. Not once did I feel full. I simply ate until I wasn't hungry and I was satisfied... and then I stopped.

The activity will start again tomorrow. I don't mean to imply I haven't been active these last few days because I have been. I've walked, mowed, etc. But tomorrow I really kick back into gear.

I (probably) leave for MA a week from today and my worry is that when I am there I will not stay firm or mindful. Honestly, I think I will do well. My cousin has a gym membership, so I think I am going to have her take me. I hope they have a gym at their apartment complex, as well. That would make things substantially easier.

That's all I've got for now. I don't want to ramble and I'm not feeling particularly focused. More soon.

A Thousand Words

This is me, as it stands.

There will be more updates like this along the way to show progress, etc. Please excuse my goofiness. It's hard to take myself seriously when I am, ya know, me. ;o)

Feel The Burn

There are few types of pain that I've experienced in this life that I can't power through... and then there is the type of aching numbness that takes over my body after I've started to work out again that rings my bell like nobody's business. Walking and running and swimming have been no problem today. Sitting down and getting back up have been a royal pain in my ass, though. And, speaking honestly, the most painful part of my day has been the process of sitting on the toilet for a pee and then getting up from the toilet. But that is neither here nor there. The point is that I'm only on my second day and I am feeling the pain. But not pain no gain....

Today I decided that I was going to just be as active as possible. I was actually pacing at one point. The boyfriend and I went to my parents' house this afternoon and spent some time with my father and one of my best friends swimming and chatting. It was a very good time and, as most good times go, the time went by faster than noticed. That being said... I am now a lobster. And no I wasn't wearing any protection from the sun. Let's just call this a lesson learned in the absolute most uncomfortable way...
And this is another example of a kind of pain that reduces me to a sissy baby. Please keep in mind that this pinkness has now settled into a fine shade of red.

After my metamorphosis into a lobster the boyfriend and I returned to the apartment for dinner. Dinner consisted of soft tacos. It was tasty and I did manage to control myself which is a challenege when it comes to Mexican food. After dinner we waited an hour and then we did the dvd workout. It kicked our asses. I was hoping that it would work out some of my soreness, but it didn't. In fact, I'm dealing with a great deal of pain at the moment. It is what it is.

I will say, and I know this is a bit sinister of me, that I was glad to see the boyfriend struggling through the workout along with me. He totally underestimated it and about 5 minutes in he was looking at me like: "oh dear God!" It was great. I look forward to us both improving together.

Tomorrow I am going to take my very first Zumba class! I'm very excited about it, though I know it is going to be a struggle with this soreness in my legs. I am also going to mow mom and dad's lawn tomorrow.... and more dvd.

And, just on a fun note. The pup is asleep by my feet (on my penguin blanket, of course) and she is snoring like an old man. I can actually feel the floor under my feet vibrating with her breathing. Must be nice...


(Not our snoring pup Layla, by the way)

Edit: This is our snoring Layla...

The First Day

Yesterday was the day that I thought: "I can't do this anymore".

I was at Target trying on shorts. I'm going to MA in visit family in two weeks so I wanted some new shorts, simple as that. The size 13 was too snug, though they fit. I kept telling myself that if I sat in them or moved around some then they'd loosen up. Then I turned around. My back facing the mirror, I turned my head to see what the shorts looked like from behind. I had to fight back the tears. All I could focus on were my veins and the lumps in my thighs. Of course I realized that my cellulite isn't as bad as I envision it to be. I see myself through distorted eyes. But... it's still there and noticeable and that my loves, is a problem.

About my veins- I have varicose veins. It is a condition that I've had since I was in my late teens. I am going to write more about it later as it deserves more attention than just a single paragraph, but I do feel the need to mention it now as it concerns the overall purpose of my mission- health.

I want to be comfortable again, with both my legs and my weight. I feel heavy. I feel like walking is really just my body dragging itself along because it's too heavy to really walk effortlessly. Again, I realize it really isn't like that. This blog is about how I feel, though, and I feel like a big ole heavy solid.

At Target I took a picture of myself in the mirror as a means to help motivate myself. Looking at (obsessing over) the picture later I decided that today would be the day I got to action. And today I did. I did the first day of the Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred dvd. I regulated how much I ate. The boyfriend and myself took our dog to an empty baseball field and we threw the ball, ran around... just had good, healthy, active fun for an hour. Right now, as I type this, my legs are tingling from all their frequent action. What I did today is more than I've done in a long, long time. I realize that this first week is going to be hell. I guess it's a good thing I've got a good tolerance (and a little bit of a love and thrill) for pain. It's like I've tasted blood and now I want more. This is going to be fun :)

And now I am going to do something that I feel as though I shouldn't, but that I know I must. Below is the picture I took in Target. It shows my veins condition pretty well, but my other flaws, as well. I can not look at it without disgust. It makes me want to cry. BUT I need to see it. I need to know and be faced with what I've done to myself, to my health... and I need it to motivate me to continue to change. My legs are one of my biggest insecurities. I intend to change that. I want legs I can flaunt, not legs I constantly feel I need to hide.

And So It Begins...

There is a journey I have been on multiple times in my 27 years that has yielded various results. Sometimes I succeed in a way I never imagined I could. Other times I just fall flat on my face. This is a journey that millions on people go on daily. And, just like me, these millions on people have experienced many different outcomes. This is a quest that we take throughout the course of our lives. I don't even know how many times I have stepped into this territory (lets just guesstimate around umpteen million times) and yet here I am again. I'm talking weight loss here, people.

At 27 years old I am at my heaviest. I am lucky enough to be blessed with height. I stand at 5 feet 10.5 inches. I truthfully cannot tell you how much I weight because I avoid scales like it's nobody's business. When I get weighted at the doctor's I close my eyes and tell the nice nurse not to tell me. My weight has never really been a major issue, though. I would guess that right now I am probably at 180 pounds, give or take a few lbs. I am not fat. I am, however, overweight. My boyfriend lovingly refers to me as "thick". Whether or not this is a compliment will be discussed later, but the point is that I'm a tall girl with soft, squishy curves.

But this isn't really about weight, to be honest. This is about the quality of living. This is about health and wellness and knowing that I've done all I can for the sake of my own longevity. As it stands now I am pretty much crappy all over my life span, but this is about to change. Everything is about to change. The truth is that in my case health with no come without weight loss and weight loss is not going to come without a lot of hard work. I am most certainly up for the challenge. And that's my biggest problem. As much as I bust my ass to drop the weight it never stays off. So, this is about exercising self control to take off weight and to keep off weight. And of course there is a plan...

The boyfriend and I have agreed to spend the next 30 days doing the Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred dvd. I used this last year to get into a certain bridesmaid's dress and it was amazing. It seriously kicked my ass in the best of ways. We are going to use the dvd as a warm up. After the 30 days we are going to begin the Power 90 workout. We are going to do that for 90 days. From there we are going to go into the P90X workout (God help us). Whether or not we will adhere to this is to be seen... however, the greater point here is to do something every single day.

Adopting a new and improved lifestyle can be a bitch, though. And that's why I'm here. I've seen too many people in my life crumple under their poor health and I am making the choice right now and saying that will NOT be me. This blog is meant to keep me focused and motivated. It's here so that I can vent frustrations, celebrate achievements and just have an outlet throughout this journey.

Don't think I forgot about you, L. I know that I'm here for you, as well. Everything that I put on this blog is for both of us. xoxo

So, to bring this rather wordy entry to an end... it begins today because, after all, there is no time to wait.